By Lorna Riley
If forced to choose just one skill, many experts agree that good communication is the single most important quality for business success. Effective interpersonal communication is the right person, having the right conversation, with the right person, at the right time, in the right way, which is heard and understood.
Everything we do sends messages that others, right or wrong, will interpret. Messages, including not only what you say (verbal words), but how you say it (vocal and visual messages), will be interpreted in two ways:
1. Intention
Do I understand the intention of your message?
The receiver of messages may ask silent questions such as, “Have I correctly interpreted what you're saying? What you mean? Do I hear and understand what you wanted me to understand?” If someone said for example, “You look nice today,” think of the possible ways in which it could be interpreted:
a. I look good and someone noticed! Good for me.
b. What are you buttering me up for? What do you want from me?
c. So you’re saying that I didn’t look nice yesterday?
The only way to know whether or not your interpretation of a message is the one intended by the sender is to ask.
2. Character
What does this message teach me about the person? Like it or not, people create an imaginary “point system” when interacting with people, giving out points and taking them away depending on their impressions. Your character will be judged by others as you teach them more about who you are in different situations. If you make a mistake for example, how you go about handing the error communicates different aspects of your character. Do you take responsibility for it and try to right the wrong? Look for blame? Hide your involvement? Furthermore, who you interact with will determine the doling out of points, based on their value system. Imagine you try to cover up the mistake. If another person learns of your cover-up and yet values deception, you may have scored big points for masking the mistake! If they value accountability on the other hand, you may have lost enough points to cost you the relationship.
Interpersonal communication is a complex event. There are many communication myths between senders and receivers of messages. While we may think of myths as fiction, each contains a grain of truth. Two common communication myths are:
MYTH #1 — Eye Contact
If someone is looking at you, that person is communicating — right? Yes and no.
If we were to believe this myth at face value, it would be impossible for two blind people to communicate. While the inability to see visual messages prevents one’s reading non-verbal signals, sight-impaired people compensate with heightened sensory listening abilities, enabling them to “see” messages most seeing people miss—e.g. changes in breathing rate and tone of voice. The eyes can in fact distract us from reading other important messages. Eye contact can help get the listener's attention and convey subtle messages; however, be aware while your listener is looking at you, they may be planning their weekend activities. Check for understanding by asking for feedback. Ask plenty of clarification questions to be sure the message is heard and understood!
MYTH #2 Body Language and Gestures
Folded arms means the person is closed to your ideas and unapproachable. Not so. Check for clusters of body signals to learn the true feelings of the other person. Is the room cold? The person may just be trying to keep warm. Or, when an executive sits back with arms folded and listens to an employee go over plans for the rest of the week, this may be the executive's style of collecting thoughts. If arms are folded, with little or no eye contact, shoulders at a diagonal angle, with a knitted brow, this "cluster" of communication signals may indicate some degree of closed receptivity.
WHAT TO DO?
Check your communication effectiveness by seeing and reading the clusters of responses of the listener. Put yourself in their mind by looking for multiple feedback clues. If you're not getting enough body language signals, ask for feedback. "I sense from your expression that..." or "Should I interpret your silence as..."or "Could you clarify that for me?" Getting others to pay attention and correctly understand the message you are communicating requires consideration and care. You can help the listener understand your message by using your own clusters of gestures that don't send conflicting or confusing messages.
To get your point across, be more interested in the feedback of the listener instead of trying to be interesting. You will be amazed at what will naturally happen to your ability to effectively communicate when you fully focus on being understood.
WHAT DOES SHE MEAN?
You have just completed a meeting with your manager in which you have asked for a raise. You feel that your request was not well received. On your way out you turn and say, "By the way, I've joined the management club. See you Wednesday at the meeting." What is this person saying?
Here are some possible interpretations:
1. I'll have your job soon.
2. I want to learn more.
3. I put in the extra mile.
4. I'm going around you.
5. I'm a professional.
6. I'm trying to impress you.
What do you think? How would you know? Are there clusters of clues in her body language? If not, ask for clarification. Communication is a two-way street. One person transmits while another receives. Avoid falling into superficial interpretations of messages to be sure both parties are accurately heard and understood!
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