By Lorna Riley, CSP
It's often difficult for people, especially co-workers, to recieve negative feedback and save face. Feelings are important, especially if you want to maintain a healty, long-term relationship with those around you. When faced with negative criticism or feedback, there are ways to graciously move through it and achieve win-win positive results.
1. Ask for details or specifics.
When on the receiving end of negative feedback or criticism, ask the sender to fully explain the nature of the criticism using open-ended questions beginning with the words who, what, when, where, why or how e.g. What happened, or Who was involved, or Where did this take place etc. You don’t want your inquiry to sound like an interrogation, but you also want to know the breadth and depth of the criticism so that you can address it completely and accurately. There’s a tendency for negative issues to escalate in people’s minds and therefore become more exaggerated in the retelling. It’s not uncommon for the sender of the criticism to engage in what’s known as “heaping.” Once one issue is out on the table, s/he might continue with something like… and while we’re on the subject, here’s another thing that’s a problem, or and another thing…, or and remember that time when you did XYZ?
It’s important to understand not only the current issue in the sender’s mind, but also understand that the frustration has just triggered a possible cascade of underlying issues. If only one issue is being raised, deal with that one by asking for details as calmly as possible. Getting angry or defensive will only escalate the situation. If other related issues are raised, then deal with them as part of the overarching theme. If other unrelated issues are heaped on the scene, then make an agreement that you’ll discuss them item by item at this time, or postpone the conversation until later. Chances are the issues will seem smaller and more manageable then, and tensions generally cool off. In either case, address each of the issues in an organized, rational approach. Don't lose your temper. The intensions of the other person are generally for "the best" and you might actually learn something constructive! Be open to new ideaas. Add strategies # 2 and #3 if appropriate.
2. Agree with the critic’s right to an opinion.
If the issue is based on opinion, you might say something such as, I can see why you would feel that way based on XYZ. You’re entitled to your own opinion (if an opinion is what’s being expressed). If I were in your situation I might feel the same way too. Or, I can see your point. This helps builds empathy and keeps tension low. Add technique #3 to this response, if appropriate, and that is to self-disclose or explain your side of the situation. For example, adding to the above sentences, The reason why we did what we did is for the following reasons…. You may also agree to disagree on matters based on subjective information. Let us agree to disagree on this issue. Agreed?
If it’s a difference in facts however, provide evidence of your position without an I told you so attitude. Adding to the above you might say, If I were in your situation, I might feel the same way too. Are you familiar with the recent study done by ‘such and so’ that provides new data on this issue? That’s why we took the measures we did.
3. Self-disclose.
Self-disclosure gives you an opportunity to explain your procedures, practices, policies, what took place, etc. to ease the mind of the critic. It’s very important to keep your voice calm and “explanatory” in tone. There’s a fine line between explaining yourself and sounding defensive. It’s all in HOW you say your words and visually look when delivering your entire message. Your voice accounts for 38% of the impact of your message, and how you look (facial expressions, eye contact, posture etc.) accounts for 55%. Together, your non-verbal signals impact 93% of the message. Choose your words carefully, but more importantly, keep your delivery calm and professional. Explain, don’t get defensive or hostile.
Other tips:
• Consider the validity of the feedback before responding. If you take the 5th, you may not want to dignify the criticism with a response, but it also implies you have something to hide. Provide proof if appropriate, whenever possible.
• Avoid the Yes, but… syndrome. This sounds like making excuses. The word “but” erases the message preceding it. Try Yes, and… instead. Yes, I understand your point and here’s actually what happened…
• Avoid using the word you in a negative context. "You" creates ownership. If used within a compliment i.e. You’re doing a great job, people will own it and respond positively. If used in a negative context, e.g. Your reports are coming in late, people will also own it personally and apt to get defensive. Keep your conversation about the situation and not the person. Try, These reports are coming in late. What’s going on?
• Choose your response(s) carefully--the right blend of verbal, vocal and visual control without loosing your cool.
• Respond to what's being said and not what you think is implied. Get the facts. Clarify your understanding of the message by paraphrasing what you’ve heard. Interpersonal communication is all about correctly understanding the message being sent.
• Realize that a criticism of behavior is not a rejection of you as a person.
• Feedback is an attempt to make things better. See the value in the message and look at this as a positive, constructive way to advance the relationship to more solid ground.
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